It’s time for another Douche of the Week and this week I have been lucky enough to be inspired by actual news. Don’t worry, it’s not 2012 and we won’t have a group of weird ass looking boats landing on our mountains…yet. I just couldn’t resist when I came across these two particular stories.
Our first drunken ass hails from Shijiazhuang, China (I dare you to try and say that drunk) where he went on a rampage with a shovel loader. The word rampage isn’t an exaggeration here – that is exactly what he did.
Apparently our drunk, Li, had a liquid lunch on Sunday at work and promptly decided that the best way to get back at a customer he had argued with would be to drive the shovel loader into a make-shift office. It seems he decided this was great fun and decided to expand his rampage experience and take it up to level ten because it was then that the crazy fucker went on to damage between 40 and 50 vehicles (including trucks and buses) as well as damaging or destroying a few shops in the area. By the end of the craziness, Li had managed to seriously hurt over 30 people and actually kill 11. When he was finally arrested, presumably the police wanted to see what he would do next that it took them so long, it was found that his blood alcohol level was at 154 mg per 100 ml of blood.
At what point could this possibly have seemed like a good idea to the man? I’ve had some collosally bad ideas when drunk but nothing to reach those new depths stupidity.
DOUCHE.
Now our second drunken ass comes with a video clip. A woman from Cincinnati was desperate to get laid while mainlining whiskey or something because wow, this is just sad. I mean, it kind of makes you smile but it’s still sad. Oh my.
Hit the jump for the video because otherwise the unicorns attack me
Another year, another round of SA Blog awards. The blog awards and I have quite a history – I criticise them at length and they ignore me. It’s a relationship that works. This year I’ve added to that.
In an ill conceived plan, I have vowed to cut off a piece of my hair and eat it if the blog awards don’t turn out to be as predictable as always. If you’d like to see this happen, then go and nominate and vote for 6000, Po or (even better) Terrance.* I may consider making a video of it.
An odd thing happened after I made this vow though. I was suddenly unfollowed on Twitter by one of the esteemed judges from last year. Apparently they don’t like criticism. Sorry to lose you and your complete lack of participation with your followers dude, it will be such a tragic loss to me.
Submit nominations here: SA Blog awards.
Nominations you should make:
Nominations you should not make:
- 2OceansVibe for blog of year, most original writing, most entertaining etc. Especially not most original writing because most of his schtick is from various companies PR people.
Feel free to add to the lists above in the comments. That is all.
*To some of the girls that I love dearly. Understand that I don’t think your sites deserve awards or anything like that, it’s just that you’ve all been nominated already and will get more noms. If 2OceansWanker wasn’t around with his army of branded sheeple, you would all be sure winners.
The one benefit we have gained from having this work done on our place is being given creative freedom by our landlord.
Crappy quick snapshot
Saturday dawned with a vengeance and the Boyf decided that after his first week back at work after leave, what he really wanted to do was paint. Since the lounge isn’t complete yet, there was no point in getting that painted so that left the bedroom and the kitchen, you can see which one he chose.
One friends response to the colour choice was, “You are a grown up aren’t you?” Of course I replied that no, no I’m not. I have a Victorian crisis whenever I see the colour 
The reason for the bed being on the floor? Well, we do have a diving sleigh bed but the support beam kept slipping on the laminate floor and breaking in the middle of the night waking us up. Until we fix this, we’ve devised the convenient system of me literally being able to roll out of bed.
In other news, we’ve also been in contact with a Boston Terrier breeder – basically to get to know her and have her get to know us so that the next time her pupperoos have a litter, she’ll deem us acceptable adopters. Yes, I’m finally being allowed to go ahead and get a furbaby. Because I don’t like real babies. Okay they can be cute and all but I don’t actually want one of my own.
Isn’t it just gorgeous in a funny ‘I ride the yellow bus to school’ special kind of way? The waiting is kind of a bummer but oh well, I’ve waited this long already.
Lastly, watch this space because we’re launching some weekly competitions at work soon and I’ll be putting up the details or links to them here. While the prizes won’t be ZOMG amazing, they will be free shit with minimal effort 
It’s a comic book themed Fluck Fliday!
Hooks in the Batcave
While this isn’t actually anything spectacularly special or going to compel you to spew rainbow chunks it’s just such a cool phrase. Imagine saying it: “I’m going to get my hooks in the batcave tonight” BAM! You added 10 points to your awesome score.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, it means to stimulate the vagina using your fingers. Hooks = fingers and Batcave = vagina because you know, any comic book fan would love to get into the batcave some day and many vaginas are just as unattainable to them.
Wonder Woman It
Requires a willing male and female. The female must enjoy giving oral sex.
The female of the species needs to perform oral sex on the willing male. Moments before ejaculation he will be required to perform the almighty task of pulling his penis out of her mouth. He will then need to ejaculate on her forehead and immediately cover the ejaculation with a bandana. If you’re lucky, she will stand up and make a stereotypical irate pose, i.e. put her hands on her hips. She will now resemble wonder woman but we do urge you not to point this out otherwise she may unleash her powers on you and bring on the pain.
Have a great weekend guys 
Just for you Sheena. I tried chicken, I may have failed.
What a crazy couple of years this has been.
My loveable eccentric mother did some cradle robbing and bagged herself a toy boy. They got married about 2 years ago. I’ll give her credit, he’s not bad looking but I sure hope he’ll be able to take care of her while she’s being scatterbrained Renee. He’s a minor league baseball player and travels around a lot to find paying gigs though which of course means that mom wanted to travel with him. She couldn’t do it with me around so I made the selfless sacrifice of moving myself to Charlies house in Forks.
Forks is a town so bleak that it actually needs 3 pages of adjectives emphasising it’s bleakness. I just don’t have the time though. Also, Charlie is actually my dad, but I called him Charlie back then to emphasise how our relationship was limp and broken and how it is now wonderful and filled with rainbows whenever I call him Daddy.
There is a whole bunch of other crap that I can tell you about me but it hardly matters, just imagine you and I share every single personality trait and quality because, you know, us girls are all the same really. What really matters is Edward Cullen.
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