Goblin Talk

After much bitching and moaning from my readers this week (Hi Terrance), I’ve made sure I have a Fluck Fliday ready. This I had on Tuesday already. Yesterday a spanner got thrown into the work by my readers (Terrance) again – there was a demand that it be accountant themed.

As it turns out though, accountants aren’t regarded as the most exciting people on planet earth so after a  thorough search (about 2 minutes) the only thing I could come across was Accountant Sex and all that is, is extremely planned out formal sex.

Listen boys we really need to start changing the accountant stereotype. How am I supposed to do my job with material like that?

So after that massive disappointment, it’s back to my original plan me thinks. Don’t be concerned, my little friend Bobo isn’t.

Today’s official Fluck Fliday is (drumroll please)…Monkey Face.

It sounds so innocent and sweet, like this cute looking monkey to my left here. In fact, the term Monkey Face refers to

First of all you get ready to have some sex. These preparations require the penis bearer to shave his pubic hair off…and keep it. Then you do a little thrusting, whatever. A blowjob from the chosen cum receptacle would work best (I can’t say female because it might offend my gay readers and all). Once the penis bearer is close to ejaculation he will withdraw his penis from the mouth or other area and ejaculate his semen all over his partners face. Don’t just leave it there though because that would just be an everyday run of the mill money shot. What he now needs to do is throw the pubic hair he shaved off earlier onto the semen (on his partners face) and voila, you’re done. You have created art and made your partner look a bit like a monkey.

My mother would be so proud if she knew the kind of things I looked up for this.

Let’s all do a jump for joy as we welcome Friday and therefore the weekend! Hooray!

I plan on having an awesomely quiet time just chilling…and hopefully not having to fight in the war with the Sea Point cockroaches.

First though, there is Friday to get through, but to help you along there’s the Fluck Fliday post to attend to.

Today I’ve got two mini things for you. First up…

The Prairie Dog Jerk

This will only work if you actually work in a cubicle environment. You’re pretty fucked if you try this in an open plan office. I’m just saying. Anyway, the Prairie Dog Jerk can be achieved by masturbating at work while peering over the top of your cubicle in an attempt to avoid getting caught. You’re going up and down like a little prairie dog, all the while having your hand…go up and down. Lots of movement there, I imagine it burns tons of calories.

The next thing, well, I couldn’t resist. It’s 2010 and we’re all football befuck here in South Africa so to kick off the year of Fluck Flidays I have created a picture which will succintly explain to you just what a Football Headed Yoghurt Slinger is. Enjoy.

You’re going to see a lot more of these around tonight. Schools broke up for the December holidays today and there are going to be Dick Gnomes all over the place getting drunk and acting cool until you try and stick it in her ass and she’s all, “I’m only 15, I’m only 15!” (You get a prize if you can tell me where that’s from)

We’ll talk about my scorn of underage girls and their fuck ups another time though. For now, I suppose I should give you an actual definition for what the fuck a Dick Gnome is.

Basically it’s someone who always has their hands down a dude’s pants, hell, it can even be your own pants if you happen to have the right appendage. If you didn’t then you’d be a Taco Gnome…or a Clam Gnome…or perhaps just a gynaecologist.

Encountering a Dick Gnome is not entirely unpleasant. They’ll certainly play with your manly bits but, if inexperienced, they could do some damage on the way down. If you expect to engage with one, you should probably trim those pubes of yours and consider avoiding pants that have zippers in case things get a bit raunchy.

Probably not something to do in polite company either.

If you’re interested, there’s also something known as a Dick Goblin. Similar thing to the Dick Gnome, but the Goblin doesn’t waste time with pants and prefers to spend a lot of their time with a penis in their mouth.

And before you ask, no, I’m not a Dick Goblin…I’m a Goblin who’s a Dick.

The picture is wholly unrelated.

I actually did it for another post I had in mind…which I then decided to scrap because it was needy and pathetic. Don’t you hate it when your words insist on reaching out to you and then beg? Eugh.  I liked the smiling little elephant too much to waste him though.

Although, if you think about it, he might be a little bit related. Hung like an elephant. A trunk that can spray with force. I’m going to stop right there before it gets disgusting. Should we just stick with “the picture is wholly unrelated” ? Probably.

The title, however, is completely related. It is totally a pirate Fluck Fliday! Leave your Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom fantasies at the door though please, this is so not that kind of party. Wors Patrol anyone?

Our actual Fluck Fliday is the Angry Pirate. (Delivered by a pirate)

Aye, when someone is gi’in’ a man head, he will pull out and ejaculate in the gi’ers eye. Once this happens, the gi’er will probably get mightily pissed off but this must not hinder the man from achie’in’ his ultimate goal. The man must ignore the angry outburst and proceed t’ kick the gi’er in the shin. You will then have a gi’er with one good eye and hobblin’ on one good leg, much like a pirate. They’ll be real pissed off though. Just sayin’. Ye’ll ne’er get me buried booty!

Did you get all that?

If you ever try this please take pictures of your pissed off pirate. It is truly something I’d love to laugh at.

And with that I wish you a merry bloody weekend filled with rum and wenches and other good things.

I didn’t plan on taking digs at much of Britain this week, it just happened alright. Unless we pretend it’s the Birmingham in Alabama…that’ll work.

So yes, another Friday is upon us. It’s been a slow and painful week and I think everyone would agree when I say that it just needs to end now. Especially today since I didn’t sleep much last night.

Before we get there though, there’s a little something to take care of, the Fluckity Fluck Friday.

As you may have guessed, it has something to do with Birmingham…

It’s called the Birmingham Booty Call and it’s very very simple.

Step 1: Take a cellular telephone and put it on vibrate.

Step 2: Consult with your partner and if they agree to the procedure, place the phone in her rectum.

Step 3: Proceed with sex as you normally would. Unless normal is anal. You probably don’t want to do that right now.

Step 4: Whilst having intercourse, dial the hidden phone and have it ring inside your partner.

(From here on out is where it becomes really dodgy)

Step 5: Have your partner push the phone out of their rectum and answer it.

Step 6: Have your partner talk dirty to you over the phone whilst you ejaculate on their face.

I think that will sufficiently suffice for a FF.