Goblin Talk

Late January 2010:

Still have not managed to get tickets for Avatar. Everyone and their auntie’s goat are going to see it again and again. I must admit to being quite relieved about this as I read the script earlier today and I am left feeling quite unimpressed but not at all surprised. While Cameron has given us movies that were a staple of my childhood, I can’t help but think it’s because I saw them as a child that I have such a fondness for them. Except Terminator. The dialogue in that still plagues me in the dead of the night. At times I wake up in a cold sweat from the memory of terrible dialogue.

9 February 2010:

Just gotten off the phone with the overbearing tyrant a.k.a. mom. Apparently she has managed to acquire those tickets for Avatar. Including one for me. Oh dear.

15 February 2010 8:26 a.m. :

The fated day is upon us. Despite my objections, I have been unable to wriggle my way out of going with tonight. I shall endeavour to keep an open mind. It will be difficult but I will try.

16 February 2010 12:09 a.m. :

So…

I tried keeping an open mind.

I don’t think it helped much.

Whilst the story wasn’t nearly as bad as I had expected (they were very low expectations, I mean, seventh level of hell low) – they had cleaned up the script a little bit and the actors made all the difference. About halfway through though, when my mind started wondering purely because I was bored, I realised that perhaps I would appreciate the story more if they had just made a Dances with the Wolves/Pocahontas story and focused on the Native Americans. Once I had finished thinking this though, I focused back onto the screen for a couple of seconds before zoning out again and conversing with myself in my head – there was some or other tree hugging thing going on. It occurs to me that a few people came out and said that there was a great message about how we should take care of the planet and be careful of global warming and generally be, well, tree huggers. Not a bad message as far as movies go although I do feel that if you need a movie to tell you that then perhaps you should stop breathing and help the planet out by offing yourself.

Could I stop there? Unfortunately no. I was terribly bored you see. I mean, it was a 2 hour 41 minute movie with a very thin plot, there was time to think. In other words, on my conversation went.

The evil part of my brain made itself heard at this point. It made the very good point that they spent so much money making this movie that basically, everyone stopped counting at half a billion dollars. Isn’t that a slap in the face to the eco lovers? I mean, people will come out and love their plants and what not for a week afterwards, but over all will return to their lifelong habits because it’s convenient so the message will only stick with very few people. Meanwhile, that half a billion dollars could have been used for something worthwhile and significant.

Of course this isn’t really an argument I put much store in, I believe they can spend that money however the hell they want to. If they don’t want to donate the profits to an organisation or the Haiti relief or the Dead Panda’s Society, then I’m not going to throw a hissy fit over it.

Although, evil Tara does appreciate how they used a movie with a message like that to make a TON of cash. But then, that figures. I was at the wellness shop there in Cavendish before the movie yesterday and that place also makes a ton of cash off of people’s good intentions. There was a pack of 3 rolls of carlton towels/paper towels/whatever you call them for R110. In plastic packaging. Unfortunately, it seems that they were just regular paper towels and wasn’t made from mixing the pulp with mink faeces. I think I may just stick to getting them from Clicks.

Do you think evil Tara was finished? Oh no, not at all. She immediately began thinking of Star Wars. And the Nazis. I mean, remember in Star Wars, how the Death Star gets blown up with a LOAD of stormtroopers? They were just there doing a job. Sure, some might have believed in the cause but some may have just been too scared to join the rebellion and decided a stable, paying job in the all powerful empire was a better idea. (We’re pretending the excuse of the clone army didn’t happen here). For a more valid and real life example, let’s look at the Nazis. Some of those poor bastards had no other choice but to join up for Hitler’s little picnic. It was a case of either join up or be labelled a Jew sympathiser and die perhaps. Or there was the fact that people had families to take care of.

I thought about all that while watching the Marines get the shit kicked out of them really. I tend to do that. Those guys were just out there doing a job and following orders and being fed a bunch of shitty propaganda. Sure there was the one chick who said, Fuck This, but come on, realistically she would be court marshalled and probably sentenced for treason…perhaps worse. Of course she died a hero so it’s okay.

Told you I was bored. I had way too much time to think about crap.

All in all, story/dialogue could have been worse – it could have been as low as my expectations. That was a surprise. A welcome one though since the rest of it didn’t live up to the hype.

For weeks I’ve been told how fantastic the graphics are and how amazing the 3D is. Well, Dear Diary, after watching it I can’t help but wonder how much of that praise was down to the aforementioned hype. You see, I just wasn’t left in the throes of orgasmic wonder and I felt bitterly disappointed. I was led to believe this would be the one saving grace. It was like being told you’re getting the most wonderful chocolate cake ever only to be given a sugar free slab of something brown resembling cake, but not actually cake.

I will admit that they did a wonderful job in constructing this elaborate world. Cleverly, they had designed everything to be so alien that nothing really stuck out as it normally does. I mean, there was no point where you had a big flashing sign that pointed down saying, “Obvious Special Effects and CGI right here”. It was well done and I can appreciate that much, but I still expected…more.

I didn’t really see the big hoopla about the 3D either to be completely honest. I could have happily watched it in plain old 2D and still been left in as little awe as I was. It all just seems like a gimmick that everyone else can appreciate, but I just don’t get.

16 February 2010 8:12 a.m. :

I decided last night to go and sleep on it before wholly forming an opinion of the experience. I can’t say that it helped much. It did make me remember something though.

The whole Avatar experience reminded me of The Dark Knight and its release. Everyone praised that to the high heavens as well and that also left me feeling a little bit cold. So I’ve decided, there’s a lot of overhyping going on.

How can I not feel that way at this point? I was bored. If I wasn’t wide awake, I would have used the opportunity to catch up on sleep confident in the knowledge that if I ever wanted to know the story, I could just study up on the Native Americans and replace them with Smurfs in my head. I was underwhelmed by the graphics and the world. I was underwhelmed by the last 30 minutes which was supposed to be the one portion of the film that entertained me.

Overall, I felt cheated. I wanted to be proven wrong. I wanted to be able to go in there and have it really live up to all the expectations of those swearing that it is a fantastic visual feast.

It just didn’t.

At which point I really appreciated that I had kept my mind open because otherwise, I may have walked out to do something more interesting and entertaining.

I’m quite keen for the sequel though. You know, when humans come back with bigger ships and a bigger military force. Because come on, who are we kidding here, if that unobtainium is worth so much, we would go back. You know, like Iraq…and oil…

I can see why people enjoyed it though, don’t get me wrong. I can fully understand their appreciation for it and, well, good for them. I’m not going to go out in a bid to change their minds, although god knows, they’re going to go on and on at me about how I just “didn’t get it” or some other bullshit purely because it wasn’t my cup of tea. I’ve even been kind to the Boyf with it all. I mean sure, it was his fault I got dragged along (you’d swear he would have learnt his lesson about doing this after the fuck up that was the Matrix: Revolutions), but he’s fully welcome to enjoy it. Different folks, different strokes etc.

I suppose this is what I should expect in a week filled with watching Lord of the Rings and the anticipation of a weekend filled with cars.

No not MPH. I went to that last year remember? This year I decided  to give it a skip. (read: didn’t have a choice in the matter) Actually, the car filled weekend is only next week. It’s the classic car thing down at Killarney and my dad has decided to get over the embarassment we caused him last time and invite us again (read: he needs someone to drive him). Of course, I must clarify, it wasn’t me who caused any embarassment. It was in fact the Boyf. Apparently he never realised how boring it could be to sit there all day. Silly rabbit. I’m quite keen for it though actually, whilst I don’t enjoy the pangs of jealousy that I get from looking at the cars, they are still beautiful machines.

Anyway, where was I. Ah yes. So, cars and a Ghost King. That, my dear friends, is what my dream was centered around early this morning. I can’t remember specifics but basically it was a case of me being at some kind of car show (which later morphed into a school with annoying children). At some point,  I was talking to a dude I had grown up with (and haven’t seen in about 15 years) when someone clad in armour comes up to him and explains his destiny and gives him a sword. Once he takes the sword, he morphs into, well, a ghost king (obviously at this point) and clambers up on an elephant and buggers off to do some killing…and for some unbelievable reason, I decided to do dishes in a field. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you anything more because that’s when the Boyf woke me up to say goodbye this morning and try as I might, I couldn’t fall asleep again to slip back into it.

It was something like this. But more attractive.

The most awesome part about dreams like these is that my brain is in full on director mode and insists on epic music, proper editing and full on camerawork – all with special effects included.So really, it was a quite dull and arb concept turned into an epic.

Thank god no one decided to sing and make it a musical. If I had stayed asleep for the dish washing I’m sure it would have occurred though so maybe it’s a good thing I was woken up.

However my dear friends, that is merely a sideshow distraction. Today officially marks the one week point until I see the fantastic Eddie Izzard live and in colour. You really have no idea how exciting this is for me. I absolutely adore the strange little man. If I had aspirations to be a comedien (and I wasn’t as funny as a week old biscuit that has been left in the sun), he would be my idol. Although, I do wish I looked as good in leather pants and heels as he does. It’s just not fair that he has such attractive legs.

In other news…

• I’ve culled my FaceBook friends list a little. If you spout religious bullshit all day or are phenomenally homophobic, don’t be surprised that you’re no longer there. I just really don’t want to waste time even skimming over what you have to say, let alone reading it.
• If you had to buy me the ‘Keeping up Appearances’ DVD set, I would love you forever. Unless of course you fall under the first point. Then I’ll just say thank you and tell you to bugger off.
• I don’t care if Apple are releasing a tablet. I just don’t care. Please stop telling me. It was already embarassing enough when you people went crazy over the Magic Mouse (the only thing it does that is ‘magic’ is that it can right-click from what I can determine)
• There’s a reason I didn’t RSVP at first and then later said no, I won’t be coming after you nagged me. It’s because you sent the invitation via SMS. Dude, that’s so tacky. At least do it over the phone if you aren’t going to actually send invites. SMS though? WHAT THE FUCK?
• I seriously can’t wait for my Wii to arrive. Along with the games of course.  Every day at this point is alive with the possibility of it arriving and it might be driving me slightly mad. *SQUEEEE*

A password protected post hardly counts as a post for the day does it? (If you want the password, email me or shout at me on Twitter)

A couple of weeks ago, the Boyf gave me a link to download the Avatar script since he knows how terrified I am about going to watch it (no we haven’t yet, I’m still gathering up the courage) and he knew I would have a terribly good laugh at the whole thing. Make no mistake, it is terrible. James Cameron’s dialogue has never been the best, let’s be honest here, you know it’s true. The parts that really made me laugh my ass off were when he included the sound effects. It made me think of the old school campy Batman series, you know, the one where whenever Batman hit a villain a big splash screen came up with “KA-POW!!!”. Now I didn’t see KA-POW in the script, but I did see a KABOOM or two…and a THWOOP! whatever the hell that is.

This inspired me though. After all, if Cameron could take his crappy dialogue, weird sound effects and extremely short script (for a three hour film anyway) and make an absolute fortune, then perhaps I should try my hand at screenwriting again.

Then I thought, “Bugger that. Why start something from scratch? Just run along and dig out some of your first year attempts from college and add to it”. So maybe that’s what I’ll do. Especially since one of the subjects in a particular project of mine is QUITE popular now. I mean, I do have a far superior short script I wrote for the purposes of animating it in the future, but really, vampires are in. And I get added points for it being so perfectly emo. There is the side effect of it being laugh out loud funny when not intending to be, but oh well. Feel free to laugh, I do.

Now I just have to figure out the direction in which I can take this. By the way, if you read a certain author, you may see where I got the inspiration for this and some of you might get the use of the name ‘Ash’. There was an intended reason…and a reason later pointed out to me by someone.

Coming out of the Coffin

By

The Goblin

FADE IN:

INT. A BEDROOM – NIGHT

A man stands in front of a mirror adjusting a dinner suit although it’s already perfect. Finally satisfied, he stands and stares into his own eyes. His name is Ash.

ASH   (VO)

You see me. I can see me. The man you see before you, or rather, the me you see before you, is about to have the most important dinner of his life…and he’s had many many dinners. Of course I probably didn’t have to tell you that, if you look deep into those eyes you can see the shadow that’s haunting me.

A dinner bell rings.

And it is time.

CUT TO:

INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT

A man and woman are already seated at a table. Other than the table, we can’t see anything in the room, the background area is dark and only the man and woman are lit as well as an empty chair. Ash stands by the empty chair and bows slightly.

ASH

Mother, father.

He takes a seat.

FATHER

Oh, so good of you to finally join us. Sunset was hours ago and not only that, I know you were up during the day…testing yourself, as you call it, with the sun.

Ash sits staring down at an empty bowl, straining to control his anger.

ASH

It can be done Father; we can train ourselves to overcome all these weaknesses. The sun takes longer to burn me now and I can eat garlic and just suffer the unpleasant taste. Holy water holds no fear for me now!

While Ash has been speaking, his mother has gotten up and walked to the middle of the table where another light comes on and we can see a mangled corpse. A crude tap has been stuck in the side. She turns it and fills a glass with blood. By the time Ash has finished speaking she is about to hand it to his father who now stands up in outrage, knocking the glass and breaking it on the floor, the blood everywhere.

FATHER

Why must you do this?! You know what we are! Why must you try and find a way around these “weaknesses” as you call them. They make us what we are!! Without them we would be mere…mere mortals.

Ash’s father looks drained and his mother puts her hand over his.

MOTHER

Relax dear; you remember what it was like to be that young. He still has a few hundred years to go before he can really appreciate the gifts of our species.

ASH   (softly)

I want to die.

There is a gasp from both parents and the obligatory tinkling of cutlery in the background in the following silence.

MOTHER

Well. You little maggot. You don’t appreciate anything! While human children stare out of their windows at the night and wish it belonged to them, you stare out at the day and wish to walk amongst FOOD. You’ve never been satisfied to just grasp the opportunities given to you. AND NOW YOU WANT TO DIE?

Ash stands up quickly throwing his seat backwards in his rage.

ASH

I’ve been alone in this world, so alone. No one around to talk to, ever. The world is a party to which I haven’t been invited! And now I’ve had enough. The day is fast approaching when I’ll show you all. I’ve had enough preparation for death; it’s always been me alone. Just me and my thoughts. My thoughts driving me over the edge all the time. These thoughts full of the blood of others, spilling over the edges of my mind, covering my eyes and blinding me like the velvet cloak of night. Blinding me to all except one goal. The day has come, I’ve snapped, it is finally time for that blood to move from my mind into my hands!

FATHER

Ash! Stop it! You’re scaring your mother

(She hisses at him)

And it’s enough. We get the point! You can have anything you want but just settle down and stop this tantrum. You’re being silly.

ASH

Silly? Don’t you mean insane, father? Or is that just something else for the mortals? But really, is this going insane or is it just another form of sanity? What is sanity other than a common consensus of socially accepted thinking? So, really, if we’re labelling people here why don’t you rather call me a free thinker? But you see, mother, father, don’t forget what I’ve said today, it’ll make sense to you one day when someone speaks my name in a crowded room, the utterance of that name will evoke a feeling of fear in you that you have never felt before. Simply because I died. A vampire. At the will of his own mind. There is one way to kill a vampire I haven’t found a cure for by the way…the touch of wood to the heart.

Ash pulls a pencil from his jacket.

ASH

Such a simple…trivial little thing isn’t it?

And buries it deep into his own chest. Gasping and falling to his knees and then his back, with a smile on his face.

ASH   (VO)

Coming out of the coffin is all very well, but for now, I think I’ll stay in mine.

FADE OUT.

I think I need to win an Oscar for that. It’s a true work of art.

P.S. Sorry he didn’t sparkle in the sun.

It’s Saturday! Time to do all sorts of kak, and here’s a song to get you started.

After 6000 so kindly shared his discovery of Die Antwoord, I went on a search for this awesomely crude local talent. I thought this was just lovely. As long as you don’t let your kids listen and stuff.

Waar is my hond?

It’s another quota post today, sorry girls and boys. Unfortunately (NOT! Since it’s making me money) I have some work to do still and it’s very slow going.

Now for those of you who like the new addition of dead Hello Kitty up there, this is what I do when I’m bored, but couldn’t be bothered to load up a game or something.

Yes. That last one is pretty gay but the Mumsy wanted something fairy like for her desktop.