The Twilight Saga in about 1000 words and with sex

Just for you Sheena. I tried chicken, I may have failed.

What a crazy couple of years this has been.

My loveable eccentric mother did some cradle robbing and bagged herself a toy boy. They got married about 2 years ago. I’ll give her credit, he’s not bad looking but I sure hope he’ll be able to take care of her while she’s being scatterbrained Renee. He’s a minor league baseball player and travels around a lot to find paying gigs though which of course means that mom wanted to travel with him. She couldn’t do it with me around so I made the selfless sacrifice of moving myself to Charlies house in Forks.

Forks is a town so bleak that it actually needs 3 pages of adjectives emphasising it’s bleakness. I just don’t have the time though. Also, Charlie is actually my dad, but I called him Charlie back then to emphasise how our relationship was limp and broken and how it is now wonderful and filled with rainbows whenever I call him Daddy.

There is a whole bunch of other crap that I can tell you about me but it hardly matters, just imagine you and I share every single personality trait and quality because, you know, us girls are all the same really. What really matters is Edward Cullen.

I met Edward on my first day at the new school. I thought he was completely dreamy from the first second I saw him. So much so that I looked like I had some kind of problem – I just sat there and stared at him, panting like a wild animal. Truthfully, I would have humped him like one too if given the chance. My first look at Edward was like a fat kid finding a perfect chocolate cake in the middle of a store that only sells brussel sprouts. He glowed, an angel amongst…lesser nice looking teenage boys. Soon I found out that he’s a vegetarian vampire (don’t eat humans or something) in a family of vegetarian vampires who played baseball and had to protect me from a bunch of wacky adventures.

Some of those adventures involved my best friend, Jacob. Jacob is of Native American descent so he has this beautiful creamy skin, luscious dark hair and deep penetrating brown eyes. We’re just friends though.We became best friends when Edward disappeared for a few months – something about letting me live a normal life or some such nonsense. It was the one thing that kept me sane. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I don’t love him.

Okay so as it turns out I do love him. I found that out after Edward and I got engaged. Jacob’s head almost exploded when he found out and he threatened to run off and do something so stupid, I’m actually surprised I didn’t think of it first.  It hurt like hell to realise the truth, but I did some calculations in my heart and I love Edward more. Math never lies.

You’ll notice I haven’t mentioned the physical relationship Edward and I have yet. That’s because up until this point it was nearly non existent. We’d have some tonsil hockey occasionally and a bit of a grope, but I never could get into his pants. I asked a few of my friends what was up with that. They told me to be patient and treat him like the gentleman he was and eventually, he’d give me his flower. Of course I told them it wasn’t his flower I wanted, it was his mighty shaft. They wouldn’t talk to me about such things after that so I just had to go with their earlier advice and be patient.

It was so…not worth it. The first time we had sex was on the night we were married. Like proper kids from the early 20th century, when Edward really was a kid. When I put it down on paper it creeps me out a little that I slept with an octogenarian…

Creepy feeling gone! I just had to think about his hard body for a second there to make it all better. Oh god his body. As soon as the wedding was over, he jetted me off to South America. Specifically, a small island off the coast  that Carlisle bought for Esme.

Can I make an aside here? This just bothered me a little. Carlisle buys Esme an entire island but Edward can’t even spring for a honeymoon suite at some swish hotel? I get a free stay on the free island? Wow.

So we arrived on the island and it was just astonishing. They had built the most wonderfully luxurious house on the edge of a picturesque and probably hazardous jungle with captivating views of the ocean. That first night, all I could look at was the moonlight bouncing off of the ocean. I knew it was time. Edward knew too.

Edward went out to the beach, baring his perfect form. The water caressed his naked skin and the moonlight made his skin sparkle in a completely new and different way than it normally does.

My feet crunched across the sand as I got closer to him. As I reached the edge of the water, he spun around to hold me, but I wouldn’t let him, not yet. I was shocked into silence by his bratwurst. It was larger than anything I had seen before, even on the internet. I wanted to touch it, stroke it, lick it. I reached out a hand and timidly wrapped my fingers around his turgid member as far as they would go and wondered if it was possible to fit such a godly gift into my tight little mouth.

As I tried to get on my knees and find out, Edward stopped me. “Please”, he said, “I can’t wait any longer!” Of course I saw nothing wrong with this so he picked me up and ran me straight to the bed. Stripped of my clothes and lying bare, open and vulnerable before him excited me in a way I had never known. I pulled him toward me and he positioned himself to sink his almighty hot dog in my waiting bread roll.

I know people always said their first time was painful, and this was no exception. Flacid, his penis would have been the size of a babies arm. At it’s full engorged state it could have passed for the thicker end of a baseball bat. I felt like I was being split in two and having the most exhilarating moment of my life all at once…for about 30 seconds.

At that 30 second mark, he suddenly yanked the beast out of my poor abused axe wound and globs of his steaming love juice were strewn across my face. Oddly, it sparkled and tasted of chocolate so I didn’t mind. The trouble began when there was a sudden puff of smoke and a unicorn appeared. Honestly the unicorn made Edward look undersized and it was packing a full load, I just couldn’t contemplate the idea so I blacked out.

The next thing I knew it was morning, we were alone again and I could do with a damn good shower.

Sheena, never make me talk about sparkly love juice again please?