Just gag it
17 Sep
Has that law on dog barking gone into effect yet? The one where dogs can bark for six minutes per hour?
No, I’m not asking because I want to report a neighbour or anything like that. I actually have no problems with dog barking where I’m living at the moment. Well, I lie. There is one pupperoo in a house down the road who has an extraordinarily loud bark for an animal his size but I don’t believe he’s ever crossed the six minute threshold.
Strangely enough though, the other people in my building (a building with a grand total of 15 flats) find dogs to be a problem. According to a notice sent around, there was a meeting to discuss the excessive noise produced by the dogs in the building. Quite honestly I was rather baffled.
Since I’m working from home and spend most of my time here, I feel I am the perfect person to really clear things up on the issue. Unfortunately, no one has bothered to ask. If they did though, this is what I’d tell them:
The dogs in the building do not bark at all during the day. It’s true. I know it doesn’t make sense, but there it is. There are a couple of chihuahuas that bark if they happen to pass someone on their way out for their walkies – that’s about 30 seconds of barking – and there is one dog who barks when its owner comes home – that’s another 30 seconds of barking. Other than that…I hear absolutely nothing from the canines.
The cats on the other hand…
Well.
The cats spend a lot of their time fighting and making an unholy noise. Occasionally, they even sneak their way into my flat. I would shoot them but my dad recently requested that I give his air rifle back (so that he can shoot the cats in his neighbourhood).
And then there are the toddlers and the baby.
Look, I know kids make noise. That seems to be their secondary function after making a mess. This is all a bit ridiculous though.
We have one toddler who screams from the minute he leaves his front door to the moment he gets to the car outside, which can take anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes depending on how many times he decides to sit on his ass and refuse to move in the passage. Inexplicably, this toddler also screams his little head off when returning home. At first I was concerned about the kid because, well, it seems odd that he should scream and cry so much, but after playing the concerned citizen a couple of times and seeing him in action, I have come to the conclusion that he is just a brat that needs a damn long time out on the beloved naughty step. And I haven’t even included the times I hear him crying when he’s actually inside his home.
Unfortunately though, his mother doesn’t seem to be very clued in on the idea of discipline because she just stands there with a slight smile on her face as if she thinks that her child’s behaviour is the most fantastic thing on earth.
Then there are the other toddlers. I’m not sure which one it is, but one of the little bastards has been waking us up at 3 a.m. each morning. I appreciate this is what young children do though. They wake up in the middle of the night and demand attention and food and nappy changes from their parents. The parents of this particular child are deaf though it seems. You see, the 3 a.m. crying continues for a good ten minutes before movement is detected from an adult. That’s 10 minutes too long since I’m already awake and am able to time them. This irks me a bit since it is not my child and I have a better response time.
So really, this entire experience has left me with an even stronger aversion to procreating and an even stronger desire to gag young children or remove their vocal chords.
Since those are actions that parents may be uncomfortable with though, I’m willing to compromise.
Since dogs are allowed to bark for six minutes every hour, there should be a similar time limit on screaming children before a parent gets fined. See. That’s not so bad. I won’t harm your child and, if you’re doing your job properly, you have nothing to worry about.
I’m thinking this fine should also apply to some other areas though. Like, parents should be fined:
- When their child is throwing a tantrum in a public place and they pleasantly continue to drink their coffee saying, “Oh he’ll calm down in a second. I will ignore him until he behaves properly. Until then, we will ruin your experience”.
- When they take a child under the age of six to an age restricted or adult themed movie. Unless it has dancing dinosaurs or a sad little robot wheeling around, your child WILL get bored, WILL fidget and/or WILL start talking and walking around. Take the time to find a babysitter you utter bastards. A perfect recent example of this was when a couple decided that Terminator Salvation was the ideal movie to bring their four year olds to.
- When they actually try and negotiate with their child instead of acting like a parent. I know this isn’t a noise thing, but it really works on my tits when parents do this.
That’s what I have so far. I’m sure I’ll think of more as the day progresses but in the mean time, that works for me.
Related posts:
Ear plugs anyone?
Craig´s last blog ..A Tale of Desire
You are correct.. in your assumption that this post WILL NOT be helping you in winning friends or influencing people.
On the other hand, you have some valid points there, Who takes their 4 year old to watch Terminator!?!?! WTF!?!?!
My kids are too big for me to remember much about the noise factor, but times are very different now too and public displays of “attitude correction” could land a person in jail, so most parents have resigned themselves to going with the flow..LOL!
But one day, when your spawn are two and three.. I will be coming for a visit
!!
Briget´s last blog ..Undemanding children and BigFoot..
Craig – That’s a good point, I could probably borrow some from the parents
B – Mwhaha. But isn’t that what I do best? Fail to win friends?
The terminator thing was actually really funny. After fifteen minutes the kids started getting antsy…and after fifteen minutes of that and me grating my teeth, some people behind us piped up and said “Can’t you just leave?”
The father didn’t appreciate this much though.
You better come for a visit though. Who else would I fob the little antichrists onto?
OK. Sitting down? Ready for this?
I agree with most everything you say here. Really. I do.
And here’s why – because before I became a parent, I wasn’t a parent. And I remember how I felt at the noise and the racket and the fuss for screaming kids – especially in public places.
So – your rules for fining parents – great.
Of course, kids do have tantrums from time to time. Nothing you can do about that and although you have no plans to breed yet, if we all stopped procreation because kids were a bit loud, then we’d soon die out.
Of course, it helps for non-parents to have a bit of understanding as well. Take aeroplanes for instance:
My daughter is kicking up a fuss on the way back to CPT from the KiTT and I’m getting dirty looks for all and sundry.
Things to remember:
1. It’s not pleasant for me either.
2. I’m doing my best to stop the noise for everyone’s (incidentally, including my daughter’s) sakes.
3. We’re at 37,000 feet. Where would you like me to go so I’m not disturbing anyone? (Actually, don’t answer that)
4. It’s 10 minutes out of your life. It may seem like longer, but it’s not. 10 minutes. Deal with it.
6000´s last blog ..Not a rainbow quota photo
6k – No look. I am understanding to a certain degree. Like I said, the first load of times, I was more concerned about the kid and I went out there and asked if everything was okay and tried to make the kid smile. But yes, I have my limits.
As for the aeroplane example. While I, along with other non parents, groan when I see a young child brought on board, I have no problem with it kicking up a fuss if it’s parent who looks remotely interested in trying to figure out what’s wrong or sooth their darling. I mean come on, I’m reasonable here.
It’s the parents that just sit there and go about their business of reading their book or listening to their iPod without any concern for other people (or possibly their child’s well being in some circumstances) that should be shot.
I mean really, to go back to my earlier example of my neighbours, if this was a once in a blue moon occurence I wouldn’t be bothered because, like I said, kids will have their moments (just like our canine friends). This is every day though, and I swear to god I am not exaggerating. Quite frankly, when it doesn’t sound like a tantrum, I’m still concerned about the child. Last I checked, no 2 – 3 year old should spend 90% of their time with tears running down their face.
I think I have pretty old fashioned attitudes towards discipline ie give loads of it!
In terms of tantrums in public place though, I think ignoring it is a better tactic for the parent than screaming, threatening, etc, which all make it worse. If the kid can learn that its tantrum won’t get it attention, then it is likely to stop, which means less tantrums on average all over the world. So I guess we just have to sit through a few for the greater good
Po´s last blog ..Criminal foodstuffs
OMG I’m so with you on the restaurant thing! Good gravy! I know new mommies want a little time out with their friends and a chance to behave like a human for a change- but FFS, get a babysitter or go home! Ignoring your child forks up everybody’s dining experience!!
And then there are the people who use the moviehouse as a babysitter service and leave their kids there unsupervised.
And the parents who allow their kids to play in the driveways and parking lots of their townhouse complexes/ flats.
Angel´s last blog ..I’m Not Worthy!!
lmao
agree with all the above
so tired of the Spur – since Image arrived 10 months ago – it is either Spur or arrange for babysitter.
hardspear´s last blog ..Observations on the R59
Po – That’s actually a great idea. I would actually love to see if it would work – if I’m prepared and have ear plugs
Angel – Hahaha, I actually have a friend who has a daily fight with the kids playing soccer in front of his driveway at their complex. I actually don’t know how parents do it without worrying that all their child needs to be run over is for someone not to be paying attention (them or a driver).
hardspear – You’ve been eating Spur for 10 months? How are you still alive?
I thought of you as we flew out to George on Friday. Tantrum deluxe all the way from K-pu. On a tiny plane. Despite our best efforts.
Didn’t help that the guy driving the bus from the terminal to the plane got lost and we had to sit in the surprisingly hot sun for 30 minutes before he found out where to go. I could have told him.
As for how to react to a tantrum in a public place: pick the child up and walk to a less public place, smiling at everyone who is wondering whether it’s a kidnapping attempt in broad daylight.
6000´s last blog ..Back in Cape Town