Never grow old. Never die. Never know fear again.

A couple of weeks ago I had a little go at Transformers 2 and Michael Bay. Mainly because it’s 1) Fun and 2) All true. Turns out I was right after everything I’ve heard about the movie (It’s shiteous pretty much sums things up). Instead, I’ve been spending my time watching Oscar-worthy awesomeness like ‘Lost Boys 2 – The Tribe’.

Yes, I would rather watch a straight to video sequel of a twenty year old cheesy (but fucking fantastic) vampire movie than the box office record breaking special effects bonanza that is the robot on Megan Fox porn. I’m sure you’re wondering why. Well, it’s quite simple…Lost Boys was AWESOME. Do you know how I know it’s awesome? Because I own it on DVD of course.

And then there is it’s ill fated sequel. The best thing I can probably say about the movie is that it has a mildly enjoyable soundtrack. I think. There were a couple of songs I heard that were all right anyway. Otherwise, it is just as bad as you would think it is.

The Story: A professional surfer named Chris Emerson, who’s between 18 and 24 from what I can tell, moves to the town of Luna Bay with his 17 year old sister, Nicole to live in a house (which ends up being a shack) owned by their aunt after their parents die, Chris gets kicked off the surfing circuit and they run out of money. As it turns out Luna Bay is slightly creepy (as you’ll remember from the original fantasticness) and loads of people go missing there each year.

Yes, our main character is an ex professional surfer. That should tell you everything you need to know about the quality of this movie.

Now come some spoilers…if you ever want to watch it, you probably shouldn’t read on.

Once in Luna Bay, Chris and Nicole meet Shane, another professional surfer who had just disappeared from the scene a couple of years back (when he went off to become head vampire to a little ‘tribe’ of adrenaline junkie vamps). By the way, Shane is played by Angus Sutherland, the younger half-brother of Kiefer Sutherland, who, as you know, was in the original Lost Boys.

Now, Shane is like totally cool man and Nicole finds him totally hot…and instead of slipping her a roofie, he slips her some of his blood which of course turns her into a ‘half vampire’. Don’t worry, she won’t be that way forever, she’ll become a fully fledged vampire once she makes her first kill/has her first meal. Chris finds out what happened and then teams up with Edgar Frog, played by the ever loveable Corey Feldman (Duh, the dude has no career, of course he’s going to reprise one of his childhood roles) to try and save Nicole before it’s too late.

Aside: You can understand why Corey Feldman has never managed to have a career after childhood after he opens his mouth for the first time in this movie. He sounds like he’s been smoking 40 a day for twenty years and then chewing some gravel to add more flavour.

At this point I was nearly in stitches laughing. Chris tells half vamp Nicole about what she’s becoming and everything Edgar told him after pulling her off some poor kid she wanted to eat who just wanted to get his fuck on. What does she say? “Do you have any idea how gross that is for me?! I’M A VEGETARIAN”

Then some other unintentionally laughable stuff happens. Jesus, I’m not going to write out the whole movie okay?

And we reach the end. The vampires nest. Chris and Edgar are loaded up with some vamp killing weapons (such as garlic on a rope and a holy water grenade launcher) and they wonder through the gloomy hallways of what looks like an abandoned mine. Vampires don’t believe in modern conveniences like carpeting (however these vamps do have a kickass gaming room). Of course we can’t have them reach the head vamp, Shane, without any trouble because that just wouldn’t be realistic. They first have to kill his two lackeys. Who die quite humorously I might add.

And then there’s the…rather dull showdown with Shane.

Movies like this make me feel warm and tingly inside. You see, I have a very soft spot for cheap, unforgivably bad horror. Just because they’re bad. No comedy makes me laugh as much as these movies do and on that, Lost Boys 2 delivered. As you would expect, it’s nowhere near as good as the original, but for anyone like me, it’s worth the time. Also, on the plus side, there’s no real CGI (which would have been bad if there had been) and the over the top blood splattering is really really enjoyable.

Some other interesting facts I’ve learnt:

The director, P.J. Pesce, directed From Dusk till Dawn 3: The Hangman’s Daughter. Why have I not heard of this film?

Corey Feldman is apparently lined up to act in Lost Boys 3. I can’t believe they’re going to go for another one but okay then.

And after all that, if I could turn back time, I’d still watch it over Transformers 2.

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4. Know the difference
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