10 Reasons why the Nazis should reform and tickle Tom Cruise's feet until he dies

As you can see from the title…Tom Cruise was the one to win the poll a couple of days ago. How tragically boring. Oh well.

1. Valkyrie and his portrayal of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg.Especially the eye patch. He makes the nazis look completely and utterly useless – they promoted this dude to Colonel and he speaks like an American and hangs around with the British. Sheesh, talk about a dead give away that someone is going to eventually plan to destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for.
2. He has German ancestry and a wonderful family name – Thomas Cruise Mapother IV – and yet, he decides to go by the name Tom Cruise and sound like some kind of actor in all male cast gangbang movies. “The Italian Rimjob starring TOM CRUISE”. To be fair, his father abused him and was a “merchant of chaos” and that’s why he dropped the name but still…any proud Nazi should totally salute Hitler and you know, tickle that big toe with a feather until Tom screams.
3. The Tom Cruise Schnozz. That’s right. His nose. That thing is so big, it could be used as a fall out shelter by any run away Jews and Nazis cannot be having that. Who has a nose that big? Seriously? And it’s not like the guy doesn’t have the money and can’t get a nose job. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch Interview with a Vampire – with the long hair it’s even more visible. There’s a scene only a few minutes in where he turns to the side and the sun is eclipsed and you start wondering if it’s Judgement Day and if there is a God, because you know, if there is, you’re pretty screwed…you’ve done some bad things…better start repenting and stuff. Tom Cruises nose causes more people to turn to religion. Tsk.
4. That’s a double whammy if that religion is Scientology. To be fair it makes as much sense as any religion – up to a point. Tom Cruise crossed that point a long long time ago. Xenu? What in the hell dude? I mean, everyone KNOWS the only alien creature that has affected us to such a massive degree is the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And Scientology wouldn’t have gone down well with the Fuhrer – he needed his drugs. This is just pure retardation.
5. He took a decent looking girl, Katie Holmes…okay I wouldn’t turn lesbian for her or anything but yeah, she was decent…and in a few short years he managed to suck the life out of her so he could stay perpetually young and turned her into a damn good imitation of someones coked up homeless mom. I have to wonder where he holds her…is it in a tower? Or a dungeon? Or does he just throw her up his nose and take her out when she needs to make an appearance in the world?
6. Eyes Wide Shut…what the fuck was that piece of shit?
7. Vanilla Sky…again, I say, what the fuck was that piece of shit? “Yeah, we’re going to remake a pretty decent foreign film but we’re going to throw Tom Cruise in it and make it…I don’t know because I fell asleep when I got bored.”
8. He has made money off of us with these bad films. Okay, I didn’t pay for the above two but I paid for War of the Worlds and I am very very unhappy about that. The bastard has our money…the Nazis seriously need to go to town on the bridge of his foot for this.
9. Bullshit incidents like the jumping on Oprah’s couch. I wouldn’t include this if it hadn’t gone on to be mocked and parodied a million times making me relive it. This was the single most douchebaggery thing the man has ever done.
10. He’s Tom fucking Cruise. The above nine reasons shouldn’t be needed. This should be enough.

This is not meant to be funny in any way – that’s why it’s not – it is a serious request. Come on. I know there are some of you aged Nazi fucks hiding out in a basement somewhere, it’s time to come out and do some good for once.

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